beauty

So yeah.

I haven't posted anything on lj in maybe... 2.5 years, and I finally reset my password so I can get back on here.

Anyway, I gained a ton of weight and I am the biggest I've been in my entire life. Like... 164 pounds. I want to kill myself.

Is there anyone who wants to be my buddy and help me stay on track? I need to lose 45 pounds, it's serious. Here are my stats, even though I am ashamed to post them:

Height: 5'9"
CW: 164
HW: 165
LW: 98
STG: 155
LTG: 120
BMI: 24.2

So there's that. If anyone wants to be my buddy, I'd love that.
  • Current Music
    Sick- Sam Sparro

(no subject)

Well I started off in July or so being ana. I would only purge like once a week when I would give in to temptation. Then it became more and more frequent. Now I eat probably 3 times more than the average person a day and purge up to 6 times a day. I hadnt gained any weight until recently...I think. My lower abs look kind of round but my b/f says its b/c I fill myself up with so much food and then get rid of it and it leaves my belly stretched out. Either way I am on a mission to not purge for a while. I need to be mainly ana and only mia when I have to have dinner w/ the family or any other situation where I have to eat. Wish me luck:)
dolphins
  • akk8

ED evaluation URL

If anyone wants to take it, here's the URL: http://www.aplaceofhope.com/evaluations.html . I scored 176 and was just curious to see how everyone else would score on it.

Scoring

201 to 303 -- It appears that an intensive treatment program is advisable, as it is most likely that an eating disorder is present to a significant degree. Please consult with an admissions coordinator for further evaluation.

151 to 200 -- It is likely that an intensive treatment program may be appropriate for your needs. Please consult with an admissions coordinator for further evaluation.

104 to 150 -- It is possible a problem exists. A professional evaluation is recommended to further examine the degree of disorder present. It is advisable that you discuss your results with a counselor</a>.

0 to 103 -- It is unlikely you have an eating disorder. However, if you have concerns, it would be advisable to consult with an eating disorder specialist to resolve those concerns.

goodbyes

(no subject)

 I was there once too.
LW: 88 pounds
HW: 126
CW: 100

i was hospitalized
my pulse was 43 bpm
dieting, yo-yo dieting and any food restrictions slows down your metabolism by 20-30%. It takes 90 minutes of INTENSE working out to raise your metabolic rate by 3%. The more I dieted the slower my body worked.
Please please listen to me.
I am not recovered
I'm far from it
but if you take control before ana does

you'll save your life.


the hardest part is facing reality

(no subject)

it started out innocently enough, no complex carbs was the mantra of the day, so opt for vegetables, water, coffee, low fat yoghurt, sugar-free jelly when looking fro a quick fix but then there's apple pie. Some gagged voice mumbles that you like it, infact you more than like it. you look at it glistening - the sugary splinters sparkle and before you know it there you are:fork in hand; pie on plate. Resounding approval shrills in your ears. Only eat the apple you decide, that'll silence it....

Tap is on - Shower is on - searching beyond the mirror; she's there but you're not. So much still left...oh god...handful after handful of greedy swollen flesh that you'd happily cut off - tear it from you barely visible bones but that'd only leave scars and your ugly enough, totally fukced, maybe ugly's better than fat...definitely. Where's a knife? And then you start to remember, the apple, surely the butter and sugar and crust and fat seeped into it somehow. So much for no carbs, stupid useless fucking fat bitch, can't do anything right, nothing at all, ever. That's it.

Hunching over the toilet eyes closed trying not to breathe-in the scent of other's leftovers. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke.

Knees are shaking, eyes streaming to where mascara has clgged and run and spread all at once. Run figers under cold water, splash face with water...numb stinging. Look into the pan, not enough there, hardly anything really, if i dropped the food in whole there'd be more, where is it? why isn't it coming up?

Onto my knees, water spattering onto my face as tears and morsels plop into the depths. Can't breathe, can't throw up any more, weak, ugly, fat, pathetic, will try after shower. Need to be clean, really. really clean.

The tap goes off, the steam in the shower stings my throat, my lungs clutching each atom of air, body unsteady, fingers raw, grinning with my eyes closed gripping hip bones beneath flesh.....so dizzy.....sit down.....head bent, hugging my knees, the steady rythmic beating of the water over me, lulling me to vague, warm dreams of nothingness, want to stay here forever.

Towel quickly wrapped around this body to which i don't belong, can't, won't. No energy, might just sleep perchance to dream. Crossing the hall with haste made unsure steps, head bowed, towel hugged around me... "Are you ok?"  voice trying to reach for cheery, crackling along the way says "oh, yeah fine thanks", head kept down, quick faltering steps. Jerk handle down. Slam door behind me.

Mind a mess of statements, questions, panic-ridden, nonsensical gibberish. Turn out the light. Pyjamas on, brush teeth, wash face in the twinkiling glow of the bedside lamp and i can see the shadows of a tired mind, a tired body.
Do exercises without thinking: listen to the music, repeat, deep breath, repeat, deep breath, hope that sleep comes soon.
Window open, laxatives lines up, 20 choked down, spluttering, lungs jerking, shh shhh shhhh. 

Tomorrow it'll be better. Tomorrow it'll be fine. Tomorrow.

The sound of paper sliding under the door, push myself to stand and float over, dazed:-
"Are you ok? I would have knocked but the light's off. You really scared me tonight. I'm here, whenever. Your neighbour.x"

Sound of rustling paper against the trash bag.      Sleep.