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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ana_twenty's LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 17th, 2008
9:00 am
So yeah.
I haven't posted anything on lj in maybe... 2.5 years, and I finally reset my password so I can get back on here.

Anyway, I gained a ton of weight and I am the biggest I've been in my entire life. Like... 164 pounds. I want to kill myself.

Is there anyone who wants to be my buddy and help me stay on track? I need to lose 45 pounds, it's serious. Here are my stats, even though I am ashamed to post them:

Height: 5'9"
CW: 164
HW: 165
LW: 98
STG: 155
LTG: 120
BMI: 24.2

So there's that. If anyone wants to be my buddy, I'd love that.

Current Mood: ugly.
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
7:29 pm
Well I started off in July or so being ana. I would only purge like once a week when I would give in to temptation. Then it became more and more frequent. Now I eat probably 3 times more than the average person a day and purge up to 6 times a day. I hadnt gained any weight until recently...I think. My lower abs look kind of round but my b/f says its b/c I fill myself up with so much food and then get rid of it and it leaves my belly stretched out. Either way I am on a mission to not purge for a while. I need to be mainly ana and only mia when I have to have dinner w/ the family or any other situation where I have to eat. Wish me luck:)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
8:43 pm
Anyone interested in being fasting buddies? my im is shalynnluv19@yahoo.com or your can text me at 402-813-1098
Friday, March 7th, 2008
12:20 am
ED evaluation URL
If anyone wants to take it, here's the URL: http://www.aplaceofhope.com/evaluations.html . I scored 176 and was just curious to see how everyone else would score on it.


201 to 303 -- It appears that an intensive treatment program is advisable, as it is most likely that an eating disorder is present to a significant degree. Please consult with an admissions coordinator for further evaluation.

151 to 200 -- It is likely that an intensive treatment program may be appropriate for your needs. Please consult with an admissions coordinator for further evaluation.

104 to 150 -- It is possible a problem exists. A professional evaluation is recommended to further examine the degree of disorder present. It is advisable that you discuss your results with a counselor</a>.

0 to 103 -- It is unlikely you have an eating disorder. However, if you have concerns, it would be advisable to consult with an eating disorder specialist to resolve those concerns.

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
8:04 pm
 I was there once too.
LW: 88 pounds
HW: 126
CW: 100

i was hospitalized
my pulse was 43 bpm
dieting, yo-yo dieting and any food restrictions slows down your metabolism by 20-30%. It takes 90 minutes of INTENSE working out to raise your metabolic rate by 3%. The more I dieted the slower my body worked.
Please please listen to me.
I am not recovered
I'm far from it
but if you take control before ana does

you'll save your life.

the hardest part is facing reality
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
1:01 pm
Question for anyone/everyone.

Click here...
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007
7:46 am
Hey everyone:

Does anyone have similar stats, struggle with bulimia, and want to lose at least 10 lbs?

CW: 118 lbs
LW: 100 lbs
HW: 130 lbs (many years ago)

Let me know! I adore Gmail chat :D
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
5:52 pm
Please read this. I need support.

Click. Read. Help.Collapse )
Saturday, April 21st, 2007
4:14 pm
it started out innocently enough, no complex carbs was the mantra of the day, so opt for vegetables, water, coffee, low fat yoghurt, sugar-free jelly when looking fro a quick fix but then there's apple pie. Some gagged voice mumbles that you like it, infact you more than like it. you look at it glistening - the sugary splinters sparkle and before you know it there you are:fork in hand; pie on plate. Resounding approval shrills in your ears. Only eat the apple you decide, that'll silence it....

Tap is on - Shower is on - searching beyond the mirror; she's there but you're not. So much still left...oh god...handful after handful of greedy swollen flesh that you'd happily cut off - tear it from you barely visible bones but that'd only leave scars and your ugly enough, totally fukced, maybe ugly's better than fat...definitely. Where's a knife? And then you start to remember, the apple, surely the butter and sugar and crust and fat seeped into it somehow. So much for no carbs, stupid useless fucking fat bitch, can't do anything right, nothing at all, ever. That's it.

Hunching over the toilet eyes closed trying not to breathe-in the scent of other's leftovers. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke.

Knees are shaking, eyes streaming to where mascara has clgged and run and spread all at once. Run figers under cold water, splash face with water...numb stinging. Look into the pan, not enough there, hardly anything really, if i dropped the food in whole there'd be more, where is it? why isn't it coming up?

Onto my knees, water spattering onto my face as tears and morsels plop into the depths. Can't breathe, can't throw up any more, weak, ugly, fat, pathetic, will try after shower. Need to be clean, really. really clean.

The tap goes off, the steam in the shower stings my throat, my lungs clutching each atom of air, body unsteady, fingers raw, grinning with my eyes closed gripping hip bones beneath flesh.....so dizzy.....sit down.....head bent, hugging my knees, the steady rythmic beating of the water over me, lulling me to vague, warm dreams of nothingness, want to stay here forever.

Towel quickly wrapped around this body to which i don't belong, can't, won't. No energy, might just sleep perchance to dream. Crossing the hall with haste made unsure steps, head bowed, towel hugged around me... "Are you ok?"  voice trying to reach for cheery, crackling along the way says "oh, yeah fine thanks", head kept down, quick faltering steps. Jerk handle down. Slam door behind me.

Mind a mess of statements, questions, panic-ridden, nonsensical gibberish. Turn out the light. Pyjamas on, brush teeth, wash face in the twinkiling glow of the bedside lamp and i can see the shadows of a tired mind, a tired body.
Do exercises without thinking: listen to the music, repeat, deep breath, repeat, deep breath, hope that sleep comes soon.
Window open, laxatives lines up, 20 choked down, spluttering, lungs jerking, shh shhh shhhh. 

Tomorrow it'll be better. Tomorrow it'll be fine. Tomorrow.

The sound of paper sliding under the door, push myself to stand and float over, dazed:-
"Are you ok? I would have knocked but the light's off. You really scared me tonight. I'm here, whenever. Your neighbour.x"

Sound of rustling paper against the trash bag.      Sleep.
Thursday, February 1st, 2007
1:51 pm
how many calories in a small cup of coffee with splenda and a little skim milk?
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
5:01 pm
it's been a long time...
Hey. I had a bad ED for a few years... ana/mia/coe, you name it. I got over it around two years ago and gained disgusting amounts of weight. I've slowly started going back, and now I think I'm finally ready to commit:

HT: 5'5"
HW: 177 (gross!)
CW: 163
LW: 110
GW: 125

A goal of 125 is totally doable, right?
Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
3:56 pm
I desperatly want to loose 35 or 45 lbs. I've gained so much weight this past year and am so sick of my clothes not fitting. In high school a couple of my friends took laxatives to loose weight and it seemed like it worked good. My sister also took laxatives and was the thinest that she has ever been in her life. I bought Phillips Milk of Magnesia. Does this work ok? How much should I take to loose weight? I am 5'8 and weigh aroung 170. Please please please can someone help me, I just want to be thin.
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
8:00 am
hi all
Ok so I just started my own livejournal and this is my first community post .. woot woot. I have decided I'm going on an ana fast starting now and weening myself off of my disgustingly fattening self. I started school in september and just realized how boring and depressing it can be when you have to make an effort to make new friends after 4 years of previous schooling (I took a year off). Since then, I've become increasingly lonely and that's when my COE started creeping back and now I've ballooned to a disgusting weight. My stats:

Height: 5'5"

All of these are educated guesses since I have always feared the scale. But yea I've been fat as hell and relatively skinny and all over the place. My weight has never stayed the same for a full year since as long as I can remember. I've decided it's time for me to go on a diet asap and lose all the unwanted weight so that I can free myself of what's causing the depression. Thanks for listening and good luck all~

Current Mood: depressed
Monday, November 6th, 2006
4:45 pm
Other pro-ana sites

What are some of your favorite pro-ana sites which are NOT on livejournal?

I realized that most the sites I frequent are on livejournal and I want to broaden my horizons.

peace and love

Saturday, November 4th, 2006
5:09 pm
a simple question
when you are not eating, are not drinking (not even water) how is it possible to still gain weight?
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
3:17 pm
Newbie Hello (^_^)
Hey guys,

I don't know how active this community is, but it's the first one that I've joined on LiveJournal and I hope that I can find some support and understanding here. What really appeals to me about this group is that it's aimed at older people and I sometimes find it hard to relate to a lot of the younger teenage ana/mias that populate other sites. Sure we've all been there too, but I think there just reaches a stage when you need someone a little bit closer to your own age to talk to.

So, about me. Well, I'm 24 and currently making a long overdue and relieved return to being ana after a year spent with COE and mia as I struggled with depression after the death of a close family member. Subsequently my weight has ballooned quite disgustingly, and I've just had it with feeling out of control and depressed. Ever since I can remember I've had an uncomfortable relationship with food and with body image, swinging from one extreme to another with EDs. However, being ana is when I'm most in control and therefore most happy.

I hope I can talk to some of you sometime soon, and I'd also really like to find some ana buddies if anyone is interested in adding me to their friends list.

HT = 5'7"
CW = 170
HW = 182
LW = 110
GW1 = 170
GW2 =160

Current Mood: hopeful
Thursday, July 13th, 2006
2:41 pm
Welp ... went over to the blood bank and in spite of my efforts, my iron level still came out low.  I've been doing it for 5 years and this is definitely the lowest my iron level has been. I looked up a website that my normal range of hematocrit is 38-46% and I was 33.  Last time I went to donate blood was January and I was right at 38%.  I can't figure out why I'm so low except for the fact that after January is when I started restricting and eating (usually) only once a day.  So I guess I am slightly anemic then.  That worries me since I leave for my swim meet three weeks from today.  I can't be anemic when I go to my swim meet.  That would explain why swimming has been more difficult.  Even considering that I haven't been in the pool for three months ... last time I started swimming after an absence I don't remember my arms being so achy while I'm swimming.  Now that I know that 33 is considered low enough to notice, I think I should get some iron pills.  (sigh)  I've never been anemic before.  33 compared to the minimum 38 obviously isn't very severe so it shouldn't take too long to remedy it.  I asked about how long it would take for iron pills to kick in and he said to give it about a week before I go back in to donate blood.  This is probably the worst time for me to be anemic.  It's not like I have the biggest swim meet of my life coming up in three weeks. 

This means for the next three weeks I'll have to look out for stuff with iron, which will probably  mean eating more red meat than usual so I don't have to rely completely on the iron pills.  *mutter*

Just had to vent. 

Monday, July 10th, 2006
11:00 am

Today I made it to the gym for the first time in two months now that my pass is current.  I knew I'd gained a bit of weight since I hadn't been to the gym but I did not expect this.  Their scale says I've gained 16 pounds.  Is it even possible to gain 16 pounds in two months just by not exercising?  I haven't made any huge changes to my diet like binging constantly.  My diet's stayed pretty much the same as it was when I was losing the weight.  I feel absolutely disgusting right now.  I had a premonition though.  A few days back I was at WalMart in their shoe section looking for some new work shoes and just happened to walk past a mirror.  I just about died when I saw it and it just made me absolutely sick to look at it.  If it weren't for my swim meet coming up, I wouldn't eat at all until I leave for San Francisco ... but I don't think that's very realistic since I want to do well and I don't want to pass out or anything at the pool.  Seriously this is the biggest competition of my LIFE and as much as I want to do a 30 day fast right now, I don't want to risk passing out at the pool before a race or something.

Seriously though, if this doesn't motivate me to get my act together I don't know what will.  Gym six days a week.  Am going to try for twice a day workouts to get this disgusting fat off me as quickly as possibly.  As for eating, I am definitely on restriction for the time being.  Lots and lots and lots of water plus my daily vitamins.  I'm just not sure what an appropriate calorie restriction is if I'm going to be swimming/working out a lot.  Right now I'm started at 30 minutes of swimming in the morning (that's as much as I could manage this morning since it's been so long!!!) plus an hour of walking/hiking.  I used to swim 90 minutes a day last fall, and although I probably won't be at that point by the time I leave for San Francisco, I would like to get back up to an hour which I know is definitely doable.  Man, I've really forgotten what it's like to be out of shape.  I was hurting just a few laps into my warm up and I was sucking some serious air the whole 30 minutes ... but that's good though since that means I was working hard.  So in that sense, it was a successful workout even though it was quite a bit shorter than what I used to do. 

Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
7:02 pm
 I found this link on CNN.com about Keira Knightley where the press has been spreading rumors that she is anorexic.  The article has a picture of it so I thought I'd post the link for anyone who wants to look:  http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/04/people.keira.knightley.ap/index.html
Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
6:53 pm
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