it started out innocently enough, no complex carbs was the mantra of the day, so opt for vegetables, water, coffee, low fat yoghurt, sugar-free jelly when looking fro a quick fix but then there's apple pie. Some gagged voice mumbles that you like it, infact you more than like it. you look at it glistening - the sugary splinters sparkle and before you know it there you are:fork in hand; pie on plate. Resounding approval shrills in your ears. Only eat the apple you decide, that'll silence it....
Tap is on - Shower is on - searching beyond the mirror; she's there but you're not. So much still left...oh god...handful after handful of greedy swollen flesh that you'd happily cut off - tear it from you barely visible bones but that'd only leave scars and your ugly enough, totally fukced, maybe ugly's better than fat...definitely. Where's a knife? And then you start to remember, the apple, surely the butter and sugar and crust and fat seeped into it somehow. So much for no carbs, stupid useless fucking fat bitch, can't do anything right, nothing at all, ever. That's it.
Hunching over the toilet eyes closed trying not to breathe-in the scent of other's leftovers. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke. gag, vomit, choke.
Knees are shaking, eyes streaming to where mascara has clgged and run and spread all at once. Run figers under cold water, splash face with water...numb stinging. Look into the pan, not enough there, hardly anything really, if i dropped the food in whole there'd be more, where is it? why isn't it coming up?
Onto my knees, water spattering onto my face as tears and morsels plop into the depths. Can't breathe, can't throw up any more, weak, ugly, fat, pathetic, will try after shower. Need to be clean, really. really clean.
The tap goes off, the steam in the shower stings my throat, my lungs clutching each atom of air, body unsteady, fingers raw, grinning with my eyes closed gripping hip bones beneath flesh.....so dizzy.....sit down.....head bent, hugging my knees, the steady rythmic beating of the water over me, lulling me to vague, warm dreams of nothingness, want to stay here forever.
Towel quickly wrapped around this body to which i don't belong, can't, won't. No energy, might just sleep perchance to dream. Crossing the hall with haste made unsure steps, head bowed, towel hugged around me... "Are you ok?" voice trying to reach for cheery, crackling along the way says "oh, yeah fine thanks", head kept down, quick faltering steps. Jerk handle down. Slam door behind me.
Mind a mess of statements, questions, panic-ridden, nonsensical gibberish. Turn out the light. Pyjamas on, brush teeth, wash face in the twinkiling glow of the bedside lamp and i can see the shadows of a tired mind, a tired body.
Do exercises without thinking: listen to the music, repeat, deep breath, repeat, deep breath, hope that sleep comes soon.
Window open, laxatives lines up, 20 choked down, spluttering, lungs jerking, shh shhh shhhh.
Tomorrow it'll be better. Tomorrow it'll be fine. Tomorrow.
The sound of paper sliding under the door, push myself to stand and float over, dazed:-
"Are you ok? I would have knocked but the light's off. You really scared me tonight. I'm here, whenever. Your neighbour.x"
Sound of rustling paper against the trash bag. Sleep.